Since I started the recovery journey, there has been one phrase that I repeat to myself over and over and over again. I end most of my #realtalk posts by saying it. A dear friend even painted these words for me. Live Fully and Free It’s simple enough right? Live your life to the fullest. Do what you want. No strings attached. It almost sounds too good to be true. Maybe because it is almost too good to be true. Maybe because living fully and free when you are a Type A control freak with a background rooted in confidence coming from external forces seems impossible. Did you catch that? I’m a control freak but the things that make me feel at ease and happy in my body come from something other than myself and my faith in the Lord. To me that seems like quite the anomaly. When those external forces of control failed me, when things no longer felt in my control, I turned to my eating and exercise habits to give me a false sense of fleeting beauty and comfort. I felt the most control when in reality, I had become a puppet with ED guiding my every decision and thought. Almost two years later and here I stand. I’m strong, but in a new way. I have control, but I am learning to be ok with giving that up sometimes. Not to an eating disorder, but the One who has a plan for me and for my life. Driving down the road after exploring Nashville, it hit me. This morning I had woken up, had breakfast, clumsily pulled on my warmest workout clothes, jammed all the way to Hillsboro Village, grabbed an almond milk latte and a muffin, went to Pilates, had fun, grabbed juice and a shot at the Juice Bar, went shopping, and not ONCE did I have any reservations about my choices. I made every one of those decisions myself. Nothing forced me to choose a green juice. That was all me. Nothing told me I had to workout that was my choice. I chose to eat a muffin. I made choices without much thought behind them. I was busy absorbing the bustle of downtown and the crisp winter air rather than harping on the fact that I had already had breakfast and maybe a muffin wasn’t the healthiest choice. That is truly living fully and free. Absorbing the moment and the memories rather than anxiously worrying about my past choices and when I might fit in my next workout. It’s the little things. The small moments. And in those moments I realize that I have gained so much. I live a rich life. I was given the chance to truly live again and I do not take that lightly. My recovery has not been perfect. No one's will be but it is unique to me. I struggle yes, and if you are recovering you will too. Recovery isn’t easy, its not supposed to be. But, if you can look at these small moments and savor them, remember them, and try hard not to dwell on the tough times, I promise it will lessen your load so that you too can live fully and free.
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