I know I already posted three parts to my story but it is one year later and I decided to put it all together in one big post for ya! So here we go, its long but I promise it has a happy ending !!
Never did I ever imagine that at 19 years old, I would be able to say that I was a rehab drop-out who literally almost withered away. But, before I get into all of that I want to tell you a bit about what got me to that point. Buckle up and get comfy because it is a long, long story (hence why I am going to do two parts). Ok, so I won't bore you with all the details of where I was born and all that jazz so let's start this roller coaster ride at about age 10 ( 5th grade). This marks the first time someone ever commented on my size. As a fifth grader, I didn't think much of it but fast forward one year to middle school and the comments become more frequent and harsher than just "Hey, you kind of have a belly". This time, the comments stemmed from rumors about me being pregnant (yes, in the sixth grade) and of course, people looked straight at my stomach when they saw me. So, obviously that hurt me a little but I kept pushing on. I began to exercise and run for conditioning because I made the middle school cheer squad. In addition to a small, yet very exciting, growth spurt, I shed some of my "baby fat". At the same time, my family was transitioning into eating healthy foods. We bought the "Eat This, Not That" books and made simple exchanges in our diet. Now, I am a very visual learner and so these books were plain fun to me. With clear examples and fun pictures, I began to really enjoy eating healthier and even grew a passion for it. I began making these healthy switches at school with my lunches too. The difference between sixth grade and seventh grade Sophie were quite drastic; so drastic that a new rumor was spread about me. People started saying that I had an eating disorder and was participating in a competition (to see who could eat less)with a friend of mine who was also very health conscience. Eventually, a teacher confronted me about it and instead of asking she claimed she knew what I was doing and how I needed help. Well, I didn't have an eating disorder but, I will say that experience made me hyper-aware of what I was eating and who was watching, etc. Fast forward to the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. That summer changed my life in ways I never thought could happen. My dream of becoming a collegiate cheerleader shattered along with my L5 vertebrae. For four long months, I lived in a plaster back brace. Now, this back brace did not allow much room for stomach expansion (imaging a permanent waist trainer) after a good meal and so I ate less, a lot less, because I could not physically expand.Once out of the brace, I had lost a total of 15 lbs of muscle and "fat". I didn't mean to do this by any means but the initial weight loss in addition to feeling out of control of my future and my body led me to have some ED thoughts. At the same time, I began experiencing symptoms of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I began to cut out foods that I noticed made me feel bloated or that gave me problems in the bathroom. Remember, I was having ED thoughts at the time though so I think I probably eliminated some foods because of that. Anyways, this cutting of so-called "bad foods" and consuming whole foods was amplified even more when one of my dear friends found out she had Crohn's. I thought that maybe I had that too since my stomach still wasn't 100% happy. So, I adapted a diet similar to one that patient with Crohn's. After I got bored of that, I dabbled in Paleo, and that is basically how I went about living the rest of high school, dabbling in and out of different diets but always eating fruits and veggies. Also, I was trying new types of workouts from Pure Barre (my still fav workout) to Pilates to Zumba and living a seemingly healthy and active lifestyle. I was actually really happy and satisfied at this point because even though I was switching to different fad diets, I was still allowing myself treats and living a somewhat balanced lifestyle. Then came summer between high school and college... Graduation is supposed to be a super exciting moment right? It was in some ways but it also meant that I was going to have to break up with my then boyfriend, as he was a year behind me. I wanted to go to college and date him but due to a few circumstances, that just couldn’t happen. Also, during my senior year I had become friends with more people and deepened my existing friendships. I also had really amazing teachers and an overall love for my high school. In many ways, I felt as if this transition to college was being forced on me and I had zero control over when it happened. So, I began to essentially eat carrots, sunflower butter, apples, and dark chocolate chips all of the time. I would go through a family sized bag of carrots in two sittings (this bag had 14 servings) and ¼ of sunflower butter without even noticing. I could then proceed to eat 2 apples. Basically, i was emotionally eating. That continued into college and I was surrounded by this stigma of the “freshman 15”. I wanted to make sure I didn’t gain that so I began to watch what I ate but still would emotionally eat fruits and veggies (at this point I felt zero control and was dealing with slight depression). Then, the stress of all of this just took a toll on me. Living in a dorm and eating campus food is hard but add on dietary limitations from IBS, stress and it just got to a point where I was either running to the bathroom or not using it for days on end. Again, I was miserable because I couldn’t control when I had to run to the bathroom. So, I began eliminating even more foods than I had in high school. It wasn’t just processed food, but rather food groups such as dairy and whole wheat and oils. Combine this with having limited food choices because of living in a dorm; my diet eventually dwindled down to me eating fruits and veggies along with the occasional protein bar as a treat. Fast forward to the second semester and after getting tired of only eating fruits and veggies and also suffering a big blow to my ego when a boy I was talking to decided to date another girl at the same time (definitely a low point), I decided that I would try IIFYM. I also had been watching YouTube videos and looking at pinterest, and from all of my “research” (this was not research, just me taking info from the first places I could get it and deciding that everything they said was true and healthy because it worked for them) I gathered that if I wanted to see results from weight lifting, I needed to cut carbs and fats and up protein. So that is exactly what I did. I cut carbs to the point that I was only getting them from the two pieces of fruit I allowed myself, veggies, and my quest bars. I did not consume any fat besides the quest bar. But, in my mind, I finally had control and after adding strength training to my 1-hr cardio session, I finally started seeing results! This was working for me! So, obviously I continued and got to a point where I was eating on average 155 grams of protein a day. Most of the weight fell off in mid-April and to the end of June. In mid-May, I actually went and studied abroad in the beautiful Alicante, Spain and stayed here until the end of June. Before I left, I had talked with my GI doctor about wanting (and needing) to gain some weight…but, quite the opposite happened. (Part 3 will be posted tomorrow!!) Also, take note of how many times I mention the idea of control in all my posts. It may come in handy in understanding the roots of my orthorexia! When people ask me if I could use a time machine and go back to change things, I usually answer with a polite “no”. But, if I could go back to Spain and do things differently I would. Because I was under the control of my eating disorder, I missed out on a lot of cultural experiences. In Spain, culture is felt during mealtime and through food and conversation. Obviously, mealtime for me meant making any excuse to not eat the olive oil and to skip out on eating the tortilla Española. It meant refusing even a bite of the authentic gelato and chocolates. It meant sipping sparkling water instead of having fresh sangria on the beach. I can recall one time when my Spanish mom took me out for churros and chocolate and I ate half of a churro. The look of sadness on her face killed me but I could not bring myself to eat it. She was actually the first person to tell me straight up I had an eating disorder. Anyway, while in Spain I walked a lot, but not for the purpose of exercising. I had to go to school, come home for lunch, then go the beach, do an afternoon excursion, go shopping, etc. Rather than using a car, everyone walked and enjoyed the city. So, all that walking, in combination with eating only fruits, veggies, and fish, contributed to pushing me to my lowest weight. This weight, which I am not going to say numbers because I do not want to trigger anyone, was the lowest I have ever weighed since probably 4th or 5th grade. I couldn’t see it though. You see, when you restrict food and starve your body of essential nutrients and vitamins, your brain does not synapse the same way and you legitimately ruin the connection your brain makes with perception. You can no longer see the actual size or distance of things (it actually impairs driving skills y’all, it serious stuff). I thought I looked good. No, I didn’t think I was fat. No, I didn’t think I was skinny. I thought I was fit. Fit shouldn’t mean being cold all the time. Fit shouldn’t mean cutting your legs every time you shave because your bones stick out so much. Fit shouldn’t mean having dry skin because of a lack of nutrients in your body. Fit should not mean having to go to bed at 9 pm because your body is completely depleted of energy. Overall, I probably lost the last 20 pounds of my drastic weight loss those 5 weeks in Spain. Fast forward to me getting off the plane. Imagine having your own father not even recognize you because you have withered away, you lost the light in your eye. My joy for life was gone. I was a shell of the Sophie I used to be. From the day I got back, I lived in a literal hell on earth. My dad was so upset and anxious that I almost caused him a heart attack. I caused so much tension between my parents that at one point, when they were fighting, I went through the house screaming bloody murder. THAT was the moment I though about how this world would benefit from me just leaving. When I say this was a dark time, I do not mean it lightly. Everyday, I would wake up, go to rehab kicking and screaming , shut down in group because it just did not apply or help me, ignore the dietitian and doctor, come home, cry, Yell at my parents, and repeat the cycle the next day. The days passed, I was more miserable than ever before, my parents were miserable. My family was in the midst of intense spiritual warfare. At this time, my parents were visiting a counselor and praise the Lord for him because he was the only professional that told my parents to let me try recovery my way. If the rehab center was making things worse, let me try it with the understanding that you had to meet a certain weight to return to college and I had to be cleared by a doctor. So, on my birthday, July 22, I officially dropped out of rehab, turned down a second rehab facility we had been looking at, and started my recovery for real. We enlisted the help of my wonderful psychotherapist, Courtney, and my dietician, Reba Sloan, as well as a general doctor to monitor my blood pressure and weight. I can tell you that recovery was hard, but honestly that word cant even begin to describe it. Reba put me on a very intense weight gain plan and I finally realized that it wasn’t just a fear of fat and carbs that I needed to work on, I actually needed to work on control as well as managing OCD and anxiety. After a month of intense work, I was able to gain much needed weight and was able to return back to college for my sophomore year.That is not to say returning to college was easy and life went back to normal. I mean, I don't consider downing Ensures in between classes and out of red solo cups at tailgates a college girl's "norm". I continued to see a dietician and Skype with my therapist and had countless appointments and check ins for the first few months that I was back up in college. I had to drop a class because my brain just didn't quite fire the way it used to. I had to relearn how to lear because my brain had lost the capacity to function like it did before. All this to say, recovery isn’t over for me. It honestly is an everyday thing and I am really learning about how to take each day and take the ups and downs and know that things happen, it’s ok. Life is messy; it isn’t supposed to be perfect. After living through a literal hell and still dealing with repercussions, I can firmly tell you my last year on this Earth have not gone as planned.From having to almost drop out of school to finding my purpose for this stage of my life, it has been one heck of a year. Its had ups,it has had its fair share of downs. it has most definitely not gone according to the plan I made for myself. But, I cant change what has happened and so now I am CHOOSING to look at what happened, accept it, acknowledge it, but not dwell on it. I want to take all of that and turn it into good, into positive. While I would never take this out of my story, I would never ever wish this upon even my worse enemy. That is why now, I believe God is using me to reach others who are facing the real life struggle of under-eating and/or overexercising and living in the abusive cycle that once held me captive, Orthorexia is a real thing. Disordered eating is a real thing. It CAN kill you when it gets taken to extremes. Clean eating and exercise ruled my life but now, I choose balance. If any of you all, or if you know anyone struggling, please try and get help. Whether thats seeking a rehabilitation program, dietician, therapist, or simply telling someone that you need help, take the jump. I know it is hard but trust me when I say, recovery is worth it. YOU are worth it. Soph
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