Think about a relationship… There are ups and downs, different phases. People say that falling in love is a roller coaster of emotions, so what if I told your journey of falling in love with who you are after an eating disorder is not so different?
Think of any of your friends who are in a relationship. I’m sure we can all imagine that “puppy love” stage… you know the one where the world is seen through rose colored glasses and everything is embraced as nearly perfect? Personally, after I weight restored I went through a stage where I found nothing about my body that I hated. Self-love and body positivity seeped through my pores and nothing could bring me down. I was so in love with my new body and life. Chemically speaking, when your body is weight restored, your hormone activity spikes and then returns to normal. All the emotions you fee are amplified times ten. So, it makes sense that practicing positive self-talks combined with the rush of hormones leads to such a fierce feeling. And let me go ahead and say I 100% advocate for body positivity and self-love, but life will throw you curveballs once your hormones calm down again and it can be so hard to be so anchored in self-love. The next stage is the The Power Struggle Stage. This is the time when the struggles start to hit. After recovery I had this illusion that because I went through hell and back, this next phase of life was going to be easy and I was entitled to few struggles, if any. That mindset led me to feeling lost, hurt, and out of control. Those feeling are dangerous, especially when your eating disorder stems from control. In the power struggle phase, illusion falls away and feelings of disappointment and anger tend to weasel their way back into your life. For some, weight redistribution can actually trigger this phase. For others, simply coming off what I call the “recovery high” can cause a cascade of feelings that lead to this phase. If you find yourself dealing with the power struggle, I want you to understand it is 100% normal. What matters here is that you ACKNOWLEDGE the feelings that you feel. Let them wash over you but not run through you. Do not let them manifest in you but do not push them away. Confronting the feelings gives you the power to control your mindset. In a typical relationship, this is where couples tend to either break up or make up. With recovery, this is when people tend to relapse OR they continue down the road of recovery. A few things I learned from this stage are:
The next stage is called that The Stability Stage. In a typical relationship this is when that feeling of being in love returns and there is a deep, profound love. It takes time, effort, and a few tears to get to this point and I don’t think that it is much different when looking a recovery and your relationship with yourself. I have spent a lot of time learning how to self talk, learning how to look in a mirror and try and remind myself that I am beautiful. I may not feel beautiful but if my eyes are filled with joy, my smile reflects profound happiness, and if my soul is filled with the Lord, then I am beautiful. I am learning that I don't have to meet my expectations of beauty to be beautiful. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I do feel sad. I sometimes miss the sharp edges and the leaner look. But I don't miss the empty eyes starring back at me. I don’t miss the lifeless smile. I’ve cried so many times. That is ok too. I mourn. I feel deep pain. But I also cry happy tears because I am free. Through all the long days and nights of fighting for recovery, and I chose freedom every single day. Whatever phase of falling in love with yourself you may be in, know that it is ok to struggle. Some days will be hard. Some days will be easy. Somedays you may laugh and cry and scream and all those emotions are normal. You are not failing at recovery. You are not loosing yourself. Just remember to feel the emotions but don’t let them BECOME you.
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